And yet more Player Profiles

'Sally' / 'Fuddy' Duddy is a midfield General...well...at least a corporal who also plays in the centre of defence. He can often be seen striding forth across the field of play with extraordinary confidence shortly before remembering that he is playing for the OP's....

Judas is a defender with a typical OP philosophy. If it moves kick it. The ball, the opposition, his team mates. If you want to avoid serious injury do not move in the area patrolled by Judas. He will not let you past whether ball, player or stray dog.....

Darren (no nickname as yet) took over goalkeeping duties from Four Dinners who may or may not have retired depending on his alcohol consumption. Darren stops the ball from entering our goal on an extraordinary number of occasions - unlike Four Dinners - and he can also kick the bloody thing beyond the half way line - unlike Four Dinners. He also fails to win the 'Tortoise Moment' more often than any previous OP goalkeeper.

Stormin' is a Scotsman. Well, nobody's perfect. Apart from that he is a good egg. He lives in Scotland again - I think - so appears only on tour. Nobody can quite remember where Stormin' is supposed to play - although being Scottish it certainly isn't in goal. He trundles about up front in the hope the ball will hit him and enter the opposition goal. A natural OP in every way.

More Player Profiles

I'm trying to decide whether 'Player Profiles' proves or disproves we are a football team. Ah well. Tally Ho! On we go....

Mr Chairman was elected Mr Chairman so long ago nobody can quite remember why. Never the less he is a stalwart in the OP defence and is believed to be the only 6 feet something tall centre half to physically shrink in order to head the ball - frequently from ground level.....


Mark was formerly known as Fat Boy until his mother suggested this could give him a complex. In an unusual show of understanding the OP's evermore have referred to him as Mark, formerly known as Fat Boy. He confines his silky skills to the centre circle with such determination that many centre circles have ended up considerably shallower than the rest of the pitch at the end of 90 minutes...



Jesus is so named due to his long hair and biblical appearance. It is not known whether he can walk on water. He can, however walk around a football pitch occasionally breaking into a mild dignified trot as befits his appearance. He has alarmed the opposition on more than one occasion by holding his arms out wide resulting in them falling to their knees in prayer....

Fero was originally known as Pharoah as he is our Egyptian International. It then came to light that he was previously known as Fero by a Portugese girl friend. Fero apparently means strong man. The OP's were so confused by this that they decided Fero was just easier than arguing the toss. He is a striker extraordinaire and has far more deft touches than you would expect from an Old Pretender.

More player profiles will follow shortly......

Chucker and The Trophies

Immediately below is 'Arthurs Boot'

'Arthurs Boot' is a trophy given to the winners of an OP 6 a-side tournament in...er....um...wherever the fuck it was....

We wore an orange shirt......oh for Christs sake!!!! Call me Al....short for Alzheimers....

Anyroad...'Arthurs Boot' was in honour of Arthur 'Bob The Coach' Barton who sadly shuffled off this mortal coil shortly before this particular tour... A suggestion that 'Arthurs Boot' could be hollowed out to contain some of Arthurs ashes was only rejected on the grounds that we had no idea where the fuck Arthurs ashes where......

Captain Pugwash is presented with his 'Penny Up The Arse' tour trophy.

As a 'relatively new' Old Pretender Captain Pugwash is highly honoured to be splashed all over the interweb thingy in this way....

Never the less, the glory was his.

I now come to a far more important topic.

Where is Chuckers puke?

Chucker - and a photo will be forthcoming when he mails me one - became the only OP to have a medallion named after him.

The medallion in question was made up of.....in no uncertain terms... his puke.

Where is it?????

Who has got it?????

A 20p fine WILOL...WILOL??....I'm pissed....WILL be paid by the insideous (is that how you spell it? How the fuck do I know????) reprobate (that's spelt correctly) who nicked it.

Rumour has it that a senior OP is in posession of this highly sought after souvenier...souven...oh fuck it.....thingy....

Right.

Chucker Puke Trophy is formally 'missing'.

Take yer pick. A 20p fine or a 20p reward from club funds for its return.....

Laters 'n let's be careful out there...

Player Profiles

Player profiles???? Oh shit!!!!

This is quite reasonably a valuable page...yes it is...look I'm doing the fucking site so shut the fuck up...because there have been an awful lot of OP's over the years.

This is the recently retired Chief Executive, JC. He could continue to play indefintely as he is so disgustingly fit but he has realised that his continued efforts on the field of play embarrass...embarass...embarrass... (how the hell do you spell that???) younger players so he has, reluctantly, decided to retire....except when we are short so he will be playing still.....

Bazza The Lime Pickle Man aka Blocker is a defender. That is not necessarily a position to boast about given our 'goals against' statistics. Never the less Bazza, apart from designing our Tour Shirt Crests, has devotedly sliced any number of shin pads in our quest to not concede in double figures....

BabyFace aka Burmese Boy aka TT retired a couple of tours ago. This is puzzling as he continued to play on tour for the following three years. Considering he was given a 'guard of honour' send off in his last game...or what was supposed to be his last game....his cheek at appearing and playing every now and then is typical of the OP's. BabyFace is a nickname resulting from a stripper and baby oil. Further details may be forthcoming........

Not surprisingly....or...maybe it will be....Player Profiles will take up a fairly large number of posts.

This last chap incidently is Delilah.

Apart from being Welsh...which may be forgivable...he is a goalkeeper.

This is indoubtedly the most unforgivable position in any OP team.... trust me I know...

The Old Pretenders FC.

The first of many many many many player profiles.

Be afraid.....be very afraid.....

Ooo-Aah's Beard

Oo-Aah once switched on the TV and was somewhat perplexed to see himself rob a building society in a part of the country he had never visited.

Is there any man alive - with a beard - who looks so uncannily like other people alive and dead with a beard?

You be the judge....

Which of these Oo-Aah dopplegangers is most like him then?

Ahhhh...that's why the yanks can't find Bin Laden....


Dukes Of Hazard Uncle Jessie and Sadam Hussain

Salman Rushdie and Luciano Pavarotti

Oliver Reed and Groundskeeper Willie

Stanley Kubrick, Jesus and Che

Osama

Yasser Arafat

Oo-Aah in persons......

You be the judge.....

OP Look-a-likes

Some OP's seem to have an uncanny resemblance to someone else.

Oo-Aah once saw himself robbing a building society in a part of the country he had never visited. In fact Oo-Aah has so many 'look-a-likes' that he needs his own bit - which will be done soon....

Mr Chairman and................... John Cleese. Uncanny!!

The Chief Executive, JC, and..........Hugh Hefner. Extraordinary!!!

More OP 'Look-a-likes' will follow and some will shock you!!!

Old Pretenders Tour 2008 - Swindon

As Four Dinners gently snores.......



Video courtesy of the extraordinary Captain Basil.....

Bazza's Bits

Bazza The Lime Pickle Man aka Blocker has, for many years, designed the tour crests for the Old Pretenders.

Here he is playing football...good grief! a pic of an OP in action....


This was the Blankenburg (Belgium) Tour of '99

We actually prefered this of Tarquin The Tortoise impersonating the famous statue of the pissing little boy but it was decided it may offend the Belgians. Considering we almost caused a diplomatic incident I doubt the offence, if any, would have made a ripple...

The only time the OP's took to the Skies for a Channel Islands Tour...

Absolutely disgraceful that this wasn't the final crest for the Norfolk Tour....

A diplomatic incident did occure on The Oxford Tour when the late and much lamented OP supporter Arthur 'Bob The Coach' Barton took the piss out of some Japanese as we punted down the river....

Gracie Fields (actress), Lisa Stansfield (singer), Cyril Smith (politician) and...er....um...Gloria Estefan....

Famous people from Rochdale for The Rochdale Tour. Gloria Estefan might have been there. Well?? She might!!!

One of three Swansea tours. The leek is somehow apt when the OP's defence is considered...

The shirts should have been purple but turned up this odd shade of lilac. 18 hairy arsed piss heads in lilac shirts. An American woman cornered us in a local pub and asked the immortal question..."Heeey! Are you the gay bell ringers of Cambridge?"

There really was no answer to that...

In Portsmouth we were mistaken for a group of EasyJet employees - Orange being EasyJets livery. We were also mistaken somewhat bizarrely for a team of international kite flyers.

We may one day be mistaken for a football team....

This is merely a sample of Bazza's bits.

It is quite remarkable how many people have actually seen Bazza's bits when you come to think about it......

On behalf of The OP's thank you Bazza, and may your studs forever slice through the shinpads of the opposition...

Swindon Tour 2008

As I loaded the pics I realised there isn't one pic of The OP's playing football on this tour. No change there then......

Swindon may well have recovered. I certainly hope so but whether the hotel did is another story.

Four Dinners all but caused a divorce after borrowing a young ladies stiletto heals to play 'Penny Up The Arse' just prior to being caught outside the hotel by said young ladies husband with her tongue down his throat.

Needless to say it was not his fault and he only had his hand on her breasts in an attempt to push her away......

Babyface makes a conquest in a local pub...I don't recall him being fined the statutory club fine of 20p for this which, considering Four Dinners was heavily fined that amount is grossly unfair...

A very good singer declined to sing an ode to The OP's. Can't understand why. It could have been her greatest hit....

JC was amazed at the size of the bog at a local Indian Restaurant. The thought occured we could have had 'The Most Ever OP's in The Toilet' record until somebody pointed out the 'gay' overtones of such an attempt....

Wiggy meantime enjoyed the unexpected luxury...

Stormin', our Scottish International - and yes I know that seems a contradiction in terms but at least he's not a goalkeeper - was the only tourist in shorts. I'm not entirely sure what should be read into that....

Speaking of 'gay' overtones....this was a completely innocent 'Most Ever OP's in a Jacussi' moment. The bubbles were very nice by the way....

Clockwise from the top... Mr Chairman, Four Dinners, Tootall, Delilah, Wiggy, JC, Judas, Mark Formerly Known as Fatboy, Mooro, Babyface, Minxie and Pookie whilst in the middle top to bottom, Stormin', Captain Basil and Bazza The Lime Pickle Man...

Stormin' and Mooro lead the tour by example...

Babyface and Chief Executive, JC, follow suit...

Captain Pugwash, Judas, Sally Fuddy Duddy and Taju discuss tactics for the next game....oh allright...no they don't...they just join in getting pissed...

Captain Basil is such an arse....

Tour Captain Pookie in his 'hat of office'

I really must post some pics of The OP's playing football just to prove we do for any uninitiated visitors.......