The Old Pretenders FC

Tour 2009

2009-07-26T03:07:00.001-07:00

The tour for this year has been cancelled due to insufficient numbers available on any of the alternative dates.

Bum.

I will now go to The Five Bells and sulk.

OP Games Evening 2009

2009-05-31T05:35:00.000-07:00

It seems an eternity since I've updated the OP blogsite.

I have fined myself 20 pence for being so lax - in my defence I have been trying to keep union members gainfully employed against an increasingly demented management...

Anyroad, to the matter in hand.

The traditional OP Games Evening was held at The Chief Executives humble abode on Saturday 30th May 2009.

A number of OP's were strangely absent from the occasion for no fathomable reason. Although we are all getting older we aren't aware that anyone has died lately?

Despite the reduced numbers and excellent evening was had by all as the beer flowed, the blackjack table heaved as did the roulette table and, for the even older OP's games of bingo were played....

The evening was enhanced by the catering skills of Mark, Formerly known as Fatboy, setting fire to anything edible or otherwise on the BBQ.

The traditional Penny Up The Arse tournament rounded off the evening with, rather embarrassingly, the Ladies Team emerging victorious for the third consecutive year.

It can only be assumed that the female has better buttock control.....

JC, The Chief Executive, poses in a manner he retained for the entire evening...

Mark, Formerly known as Fatboy, takes pyrotechnics to a new dimension....

Wiggy, these days somewhat de-wiggyfied, keeps a wisely safe distance from the BBQ...

Bazza The Lime Pickle Man has recovered well from falling through a garage roof. His reasons for being on said garage roof apparently concerned a lady who required a favour. Perhaps I should leave it there.....

Is Mooro looking increasingly like an elderly Joe 90 or is it me?

Mr Chairman arrived somewhat justifiably sozzled after witnessing his beloved Chelsea lift the F.A. Cup earlier that day at Wembley...

I have no idea what Pookie is on but rest assured it will not be entirely legal....

CJ is definitely on beer although, rather alarmingly, he could be Mooro's long lost brother - if, that is, Mooro had a long lost brother....

Chucker thankfully didn't live up to his name after wolfing down several hot dogs...

Geri Kettle Pot gets in the mood whilst Kathy's look of alarm increased as the evening progressed and she discovered her selection for the Ladies Penny Up The Arse team......

The blackjack table saw brisk business as did....

The roulette table where Keeper Keeper Goal appears to be counting his winnings - which he immediately lost on the next spin of the wheel....

Jesus will select his own raffle ticket number regardless of looking the other way. Well? He is Jesus after all - this years tour may be to the Bournemouth area where Jesus' father lives which could result in the Old Pretenders meeting God....

Four Dinners attempt at Penny Up The Arse suggests he's auditioning for the next Alien movie - although Christ knows what's about to burst out of him....

Ladies Captain Cindy points the way to Penny Up The Arse victory...

Tootall shows a worryingly effeminate PUTA style....seems like a nice boy....

Franka is illegally coached by Cindy. Should have been disqualified. Disgraceful behaviour. Sour grapes? Never!!!

Mark, Formerly known as Fatboy, seems to be enjoying PUTA rather too much. This is very wrong in so many many ways.....

If The Ladies Team Captain doesn't appear twice she's threatened to put the penny where it may never be found again so, as they won, I will comply....

The winning team photograph.

Pure luck.

Thank you to JC and Sally for hosting the evening and further OP blog updates will be following a little more regularly in future....

Laters and let's be careful out there......

OP's 1 - Norsemen 5

2009-02-23T02:44:00.000-08:00

The OP's largest away gate of the season, consisting of Four Dinners and Karen Kinky Boots (pictured) watched the OP's huff and puff to an unlucky 5 - 1 defeat.

Unlucky? You may ask increduously. Well...most of it was and I was there. So there!

An excellent turn out gave Mark, Formerly Known as Fatboy, a selection problem as 13 OP's had arrived to play incuding debutant Darren (pictured in the white shorts) who had played a number of seasons as a semi professional goalkeeper for East something or other in Scotland.

The fact that he'd been a goalkeeper in Scotland immediately guarenteed he would not be going in goal for the OP's - although as he isn't actually a Jock but a northerner like moi he will probably see service between the sticks at some point.....

The OP's got off to a flying start with that well known Charging Wildebeast, Ralgex, putting us a goal up after only ten minutes. Judas commented that Ralgex was more akin to a Crazed Gazelle but, as Gazelles are graceful creatures, it was decided Charging Wildebeast remained more fitting.

A worthy first half saw Mark, Formerly Known as Fatboy, put the OP's 2 up with an excellent header only for it to be disallowed by a very dubious referee decision. Considering MFKAFB's usual reluctance to leave the centre circle it was even more unfair if you ask me.

Debutant Darren then earned a 20 pence fine for giving away a penalty shortly before half time with a hand ball in the area from which Goalkeeper Darren almost saved - but didn't.

The second half went the way of many second halves for the OP's. Despite manfully trying to play uphill the inevitable collapse ensued in the final fifteen minutes.

Still, a valiant effort until the legs went.

Goalkeeper Darren narrowly avoided a Tortoise Moment nomination by diving spectacularly several seconds after the ball had entered our goal. Defenders Debutant Darren, Joe, Jinxie and Scouse Deux had supurbly kept the oppostion out until the midfield legs went and the Norsemen charged forwards.

Anthony 'Fuddy' Duddy of the Brothers Fuddy Duddy had an excellent game in the middle as did Judas - joined in the second half by Jesus and Alan. Leotard made a nuisance of himself up front and was unfortunate on a number of occasions when the ball was played through and he would have been clear on goal had it not hit him on the arse...

Wiggy played a great game for the entire 90 minutes and was possibly our best player on the day - which may or may not be a compliment depending on your point of view....

L-R Rear - Jesus,Jinxie,Alan,Debutant Darren,Keeper Darren,Ralgex,Mark FKAFB,Wiggy,Anthony Fuddy Duddy
L-R Front - Judas,Scouse Deux,Leotard,Joe

Refreshments were enjoyed in the clubhouse where Debutant Darren paid his penalty 20 pence fine. Other 20 pence fines were paid by Scouse Deux, Ralgex and Jesus for failing to wear an Old Pretender T-shirt.

The card was won by Joe I think - I was outside having a smoke at the time - who recouped his 20 pence fine for wearing white football boots and another 20 pence fine as they weren't his.

The Tortoise Moment went to Ralgex who fell over a rubbish bin in the changing room.

Abandoned and all alone....

2009-02-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

Sadly, this Sundays game has been called of.

This has pissed me off as I have struggled to get the OP blog going and have had little time to tweek it.

This Sunday I was available to attend the game and the first blog match report would have appeared.

Fuck.

So we must leave Bazza on the bog and look forward to next week when I am free again and the first blog match report will be posted.

And yet more Player Profiles

2009-01-15T12:32:00.001-08:00

'Sally' / 'Fuddy' Duddy is a midfield General...well...at least a corporal who also plays in the centre of defence. He can often be seen striding forth across the field of play with extraordinary confidence shortly before remembering that he is playing for the OP's....

Judas is a defender with a typical OP philosophy. If it moves kick it. The ball, the opposition, his team mates. If you want to avoid serious injury do not move in the area patrolled by Judas. He will not let you past whether ball, player or stray dog.....

Darren (no nickname as yet) took over goalkeeping duties from Four Dinners who may or may not have retired depending on his alcohol consumption. Darren stops the ball from entering our goal on an extraordinary number of occasions - unlike Four Dinners - and he can also kick the bloody thing beyond the half way line - unlike Four Dinners. He also fails to win the 'Tortoise Moment' more often than any previous OP goalkeeper.

Stormin' is a Scotsman. Well, nobody's perfect. Apart from that he is a good egg. He lives in Scotland again - I think - so appears only on tour. Nobody can quite remember where Stormin' is supposed to play - although being Scottish it certainly isn't in goal. He trundles about up front in the hope the ball will hit him and enter the opposition goal. A natural OP in every way.

More Player Profiles

2009-01-13T13:46:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to decide whether 'Player Profiles' proves or disproves we are a football team. Ah well. Tally Ho! On we go....

Mr Chairman was elected Mr Chairman so long ago nobody can quite remember why. Never the less he is a stalwart in the OP defence and is believed to be the only 6 feet something tall centre half to physically shrink in order to head the ball - frequently from ground level.....

Mark was formerly known as Fat Boy until his mother suggested this could give him a complex. In an unusual show of understanding the OP's evermore have referred to him as Mark, formerly known as Fat Boy. He confines his silky skills to the centre circle with such determination that many centre circles have ended up considerably shallower than the rest of the pitch at the end of 90 minutes...

Jesus is so named due to his long hair and biblical appearance. It is not known whether he can walk on water. He can, however walk around a football pitch occasionally breaking into a mild dignified trot as befits his appearance. He has alarmed the opposition on more than one occasion by holding his arms out wide resulting in them falling to their knees in prayer....

Fero was originally known as Pharoah as he is our Egyptian International. It then came to light that he was previously known as Fero by a Portugese girl friend. Fero apparently means strong man. The OP's were so confused by this that they decided Fero was just easier than arguing the toss. He is a striker extraordinaire and has far more deft touches than you would expect from an Old Pretender.

More player profiles will follow shortly......

Chucker and The Trophies

2009-01-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

Immediately below is 'Arthurs Boot'

'Arthurs Boot' is a trophy given to the winners of an OP 6 a-side tournament in...er....um...wherever the fuck it was....

We wore an orange shirt......oh for Christs sake!!!! Call me Al....short for Alzheimers....

Anyroad...'Arthurs Boot' was in honour of Arthur 'Bob The Coach' Barton who sadly shuffled off this mortal coil shortly before this particular tour... A suggestion that 'Arthurs Boot' could be hollowed out to contain some of Arthurs ashes was only rejected on the grounds that we had no idea where the fuck Arthurs ashes where......

Captain Pugwash is presented with his 'Penny Up The Arse' tour trophy.

As a 'relatively new' Old Pretender Captain Pugwash is highly honoured to be splashed all over the interweb thingy in this way....

Never the less, the glory was his.

I now come to a far more important topic.

Where is Chuckers puke?

Chucker - and a photo will be forthcoming when he mails me one - became the only OP to have a medallion named after him.

The medallion in question was made up of.....in no uncertain terms... his puke.

Where is it?????

Who has got it?????

A 20p fine WILOL...WILOL??....I'm pissed....WILL be paid by the insideous (is that how you spell it? How the fuck do I know????) reprobate (that's spelt correctly) who nicked it.

Rumour has it that a senior OP is in posession of this highly sought after souvenier...souven...oh fuck it.....thingy....

Right.

Chucker Puke Trophy is formally 'missing'.

Take yer pick. A 20p fine or a 20p reward from club funds for its return.....

Laters 'n let's be careful out there...

Player Profiles

2009-01-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

Player profiles???? Oh shit!!!!

This is quite reasonably a valuable page...yes it is...look I'm doing the fucking site so shut the fuck up...because there have been an awful lot of OP's over the years.

This is the recently retired Chief Executive, JC. He could continue to play indefintely as he is so disgustingly fit but he has realised that his continued efforts on the field of play embarrass...embarass...embarrass... (how the hell do you spell that???) younger players so he has, reluctantly, decided to retire....except when we are short so he will be playing still.....

Bazza The Lime Pickle Man aka Blocker is a defender. That is not necessarily a position to boast about given our 'goals against' statistics. Never the less Bazza, apart from designing our Tour Shirt Crests, has devotedly sliced any number of shin pads in our quest to not concede in double figures....

BabyFace aka Burmese Boy aka TT retired a couple of tours ago. This is puzzling as he continued to play on tour for the following three years. Considering he was given a 'guard of honour' send off in his last game...or what was supposed to be his last game....his cheek at appearing and playing every now and then is typical of the OP's. BabyFace is a nickname resulting from a stripper and baby oil. Further details may be forthcoming........

Not surprisingly....or...maybe it will be....Player Profiles will take up a fairly large number of posts.

This last chap incidently is Delilah.

Apart from being Welsh...which may be forgivable...he is a goalkeeper.

This is indoubtedly the most unforgivable position in any OP team.... trust me I know...

The Old Pretenders FC.

The first of many many many many player profiles.

Be afraid.....be very afraid.....

Ooo-Aah's Beard

2009-01-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

Oo-Aah once switched on the TV and was somewhat perplexed to see himself rob a building society in a part of the country he had never visited.

Is there any man alive - with a beard - who looks so uncannily like other people alive and dead with a beard?

You be the judge....

Which of these Oo-Aah dopplegangers is most like him then?

Ahhhh...that's why the yanks can't find Bin Laden....

Dukes Of Hazard Uncle Jessie and Sadam Hussain

Salman Rushdie and Luciano Pavarotti

Oliver Reed and Groundskeeper Willie

Stanley Kubrick, Jesus and Che

Osama

Yasser Arafat

Oo-Aah in persons......

You be the judge.....

OP Look-a-likes

2009-01-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

Some OP's seem to have an uncanny resemblance to someone else.

Oo-Aah once saw himself robbing a building society in a part of the country he had never visited. In fact Oo-Aah has so many 'look-a-likes' that he needs his own bit - which will be done soon....

Mr Chairman and................... John Cleese. Uncanny!!

The Chief Executive, JC, and..........Hugh Hefner. Extraordinary!!!

More OP 'Look-a-likes' will follow and some will shock you!!!

Old Pretenders Tour 2008 - Swindon

2009-01-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

As Four Dinners gently snores.......

Video courtesy of the extraordinary Captain Basil.....

Bazza's Bits

2009-01-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Bazza The Lime Pickle Man aka Blocker has, for many years, designed the tour crests for the Old Pretenders.

Here he is playing football...good grief! a pic of an OP in action....

This was the Blankenburg (Belgium) Tour of '99

We actually prefered this of Tarquin The Tortoise impersonating the famous statue of the pissing little boy but it was decided it may offend the Belgians. Considering we almost caused a diplomatic incident I doubt the offence, if any, would have made a ripple...

The only time the OP's took to the Skies for a Channel Islands Tour...

Absolutely disgraceful that this wasn't the final crest for the Norfolk Tour....

A diplomatic incident did occure on The Oxford Tour when the late and much lamented OP supporter Arthur 'Bob The Coach' Barton took the piss out of some Japanese as we punted down the river....

Gracie Fields (actress), Lisa Stansfield (singer), Cyril Smith (politician) and...er....um...Gloria Estefan....

Famous people from Rochdale for The Rochdale Tour. Gloria Estefan might have been there. Well?? She might!!!

One of three Swansea tours. The leek is somehow apt when the OP's defence is considered...

The shirts should have been purple but turned up this odd shade of lilac. 18 hairy arsed piss heads in lilac shirts. An American woman cornered us in a local pub and asked the immortal question..."Heeey! Are you the gay bell ringers of Cambridge?"

There really was no answer to that...

In Portsmouth we were mistaken for a group of EasyJet employees - Orange being EasyJets livery. We were also mistaken somewhat bizarrely for a team of international kite flyers.

We may one day be mistaken for a football team....

This is merely a sample of Bazza's bits.

It is quite remarkable how many people have actually seen Bazza's bits when you come to think about it......

On behalf of The OP's thank you Bazza, and may your studs forever slice through the shinpads of the opposition...

Swindon Tour 2008

2009-01-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

As I loaded the pics I realised there isn't one pic of The OP's playing football on this tour. No change there then......

Swindon may well have recovered. I certainly hope so but whether the hotel did is another story.

Four Dinners all but caused a divorce after borrowing a young ladies stiletto heals to play 'Penny Up The Arse' just prior to being caught outside the hotel by said young ladies husband with her tongue down his throat.

Needless to say it was not his fault and he only had his hand on her breasts in an attempt to push her away......

Babyface makes a conquest in a local pub...I don't recall him being fined the statutory club fine of 20p for this which, considering Four Dinners was heavily fined that amount is grossly unfair...

A very good singer declined to sing an ode to The OP's. Can't understand why. It could have been her greatest hit....

JC was amazed at the size of the bog at a local Indian Restaurant. The thought occured we could have had 'The Most Ever OP's in The Toilet' record until somebody pointed out the 'gay' overtones of such an attempt....

Wiggy meantime enjoyed the unexpected luxury...

Stormin', our Scottish International - and yes I know that seems a contradiction in terms but at least he's not a goalkeeper - was the only tourist in shorts. I'm not entirely sure what should be read into that....

Speaking of 'gay' overtones....this was a completely innocent 'Most Ever OP's in a Jacussi' moment. The bubbles were very nice by the way....

Clockwise from the top... Mr Chairman, Four Dinners, Tootall, Delilah, Wiggy, JC, Judas, Mark Formerly Known as Fatboy, Mooro, Babyface, Minxie and Pookie whilst in the middle top to bottom, Stormin', Captain Basil and Bazza The Lime Pickle Man...

Stormin' and Mooro lead the tour by example...

Babyface and Chief Executive, JC, follow suit...

Captain Pugwash, Judas, Sally Fuddy Duddy and Taju discuss tactics for the next game....oh allright...no they don't...they just join in getting pissed...

Captain Basil is such an arse....

Tour Captain Pookie in his 'hat of office'

I really must post some pics of The OP's playing football just to prove we do for any uninitiated visitors.......

2008 Dinner & Dance

2009-01-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

The annual Old Pretender Dinner and Dance is not a dinner nor a dance.

OP's past and present meet up to drink excessive amounts of beer and eat curry.

Although dancing is frowned upon it isn't entirely banned - unlike Sambuca which had to be banished on the grounds of safety after we set a restaurant on fire.....

Above :The OP's tuck into a sizeable repast whilst TooTall to the right tucks into a sizeable
curried canary......
Below : Minxie seems to making the point that his glass is entirely empty whilst CJ and Scouses are half full....

Above : Ginger Spice, Judas and Bazza the Lime Pickle Man seem to be finding somebodys hand actions amusing....which may be a worry...

Below : Scouse, JD and CJ babble into their beer....

Above : Mr Chairman impersonates Bugs Bunny for no fathomable reason whilst, Below : Jesus and Bazza enjoy a nice healthy cigarette....

The evening concludes with the traditional 'Penny Up The Arse' competition where a pound coin is used as a penny would be quite lost.....

JC uses his penguin shuffle but Bazza can't find the hole....

Mark Formerly Known as Fatboy totters forth.... whilst a bizarrely booted Mooro makes his way to the pint pot receptacle...

Other performers on the night included Wiggy, Darren, BabyFace, Tootall, JD and others.

I believe an excellent night was had by all but, due to alcoholic beverages I have no idea who won 'Penny Up The Arse'......

In The Beginning....

2009-01-06T10:36:00.001-08:00

.....God made Heaven and Earth.

John 'JC' Clark on the other hand, devised The Old Pretenders Football Club.

An extraordinary 'once more into the breach' team talk was somewhat diminished by a "Could someone help me down chaps?"

A fine example of our leader......

As the days become weeks and they become months this blog will trace the history of The Old Pretenders FC both distant and recent.

We did have a website but AOHell fucked that up for us so now we have a blog.

As time goes by you will learn of the adventures of such illustrious OP's as Mr Chairman, Bazza The Lime Pickle Man, Oo-Aah, Wiggy, Mark Formerly Known as Fatboy, Scouse and Scouse Deux, Delhi Belly, Too Tall, Baby Face, Crap Dave, The Fuddy Duddy Brothers, Jesus, Psycho and many many many more.......

Hope you enjoy the OP's blog and, in the words of The X-Files.....

'We want to believe'

Laters 'n let's be careful out there.....